Today's Women of Age

I have a number of friends and family that live further afield and while we don’t often get to see each other, phone calls are a regular part of our lives. And these calls are a joy. Lovely. Mostly. Well, sometimes. But not always.

With a few people I notice that even after 30 minutes I still haven’t been able to share one thing about my life. Not one thing. Nor have they asked. They have talked nonstop with stories about a terrible co-worker, a car problem, a daughter’s dreadful boyfriend, a decades-old grievance, a home renovation project, a former job, a health issue, etc. etc. Sometimes they go into excruciating detail.

And I make the appropriate “oh gosh” sounds and ask relevant questions and give opinions because I am actively listening and I do care, but when it never becomes “my turn” to talk I slowly deflate. I feel it happening. Their call that was supposedly about “checking in with me” is really about them. Again. (Years ago after an hour-long conversation my friend closed with “well, it was good to catch up with you” and hung up. I had not shared one thing about my life in that phone call. Not one. And that is not an exaggeration or hyperbole.)

These are people I care about, but now I find myself wondering—do they actually care about me? And how many times when I am able to share something, there is never any curiosity or follow-up questions. Just silence for two seconds before they jump in with their next story.

It is exhausting and frankly hurtful, though I don’t believe that is their intent. Still. Still it does convey the message “you are not important.”

So last year I started setting boundaries.

• I don’t answer every phone call. This is key. If I am busy or alternatively just relaxing and don’t feel like dealing with a long, energy-zapping conversation I let it go to voice mail. I no longer answer every phone call.
• I sometimes set time limits to the calls. Twenty minutes and no more.
• If I’m talking and they try to talk over me, I finish what I’m saying. I don’t stop and I don’t let them get away with that anymore because it’s just plain rude.

I’ve come to accept that some people in my life have little self-awareness. Others need more validation. One person doesn’t have many friends. And one is clearly stuck in main-character syndrome where normal, everyday events are dramas that happen only to her, that have to be shared in great detail.

To be honest, I don’t think they are going to change (people rarely do), but I am changing how I interact with them and what’s acceptable and what’s not. I am not willing to expend as much energy as I once did on relationships that that drain me.

I’ll close with this vlog by Jo Galas sharing her experience catching up with an old friend. It resonated with me. It likely will with you too!