This was intended to a light-hearted, funny reminiscence of young love from a now much older, married gal. But as I started writing it I realized it wasn’t a rom-com at all but an experience that broke me a little while teaching me some valuable lessons.
I had fallen in love once before I met the man who would become my husband. This prior love interest was back when I was in college. Kent (an alias) was a year older than me and so cute. We looked good together and had great chemistry and I adored having him as a boyfriend.
That summer he was staying around college to work and since I had been unable to find a job at home (some 300 miles away) I drove back to college. I found a housesitting job, cobbled together a few little part-time jobs and took one of my required fall philosophy courses to get it out of the way and got to spend some evenings with my boyfriend.
But as the summer wore on I started getting mixed messages from Kent. He professed to love me (yeah!) but seemed angry a lot of the time too (stressed about money for the upcoming school year as was I for that matter) and would get annoyed with me over small things. At times I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. More than once when we had stopped somewhere to get a bite to eat he’d say “Well, I hope you’re not hungry because I don’t have much money.” One time I just got a cup of coffee and sat there sipping it while watching him eat his burger and fries. (And yes, I was hungry.)
That summer I started having trouble sleeping and my face broke out. I was increasingly on edge. You say you love me but….
Things came to a head after a picnic with the employees of the small company he worked for. I thought the day at the lake had gone fine but on the ride home Kent turned to me and said “You really embarrassed me today.” I was stunned. “How?” I finally asked. “You didn’t even try to talk to people. You just sat there. It was so embarrassing.” Which was not true, but he had not talked much to anyone other than his good friend who was also working at that company. And I had been friendly to people. I was baffled.
And that’s when it hit me. I knew with 100% certainty that despite our “chemistry” and our “love” this was not a healthy relationship for me. I was unraveling physically and emotionally. I deserved better.
We arrived back at the house and he was starting to open the back door and I said “Stop. We need to talk.” And I told him I wanted to break up. Now he looked stunned and angry (again). “You can’t be serious.” I was and after a few terse words he got in his car and drove away.
And that night I didn’t cry and I didn’t have insomnia. And I literally felt like a weight had lifted off of me.
I was sad that it hadn’t worked out (and of course had wondered if he was “the one”) and I would really miss not being part of a couple, but I was surprisingly not crushed.
We spoke a few times after that though nothing much productive came of it and he stressed he wanted his high school football jersey back, which was a loss because I liked sleeping in it.
I’ll admit it would have been easy just to stay in the relationship and hope and pray Kent got in a better head space. After all we were going to a Christian college. Shouldn’t I have just forgiven him? Tried to help? Been more supportive? Prayed more. Plus I loved having a boyfriend. It was a validation of sorts. A stamp of approval. Maybe you know that feeling.
And while I was sure he never intended to hurt me, I was also sure I wasn’t going to be able to “fix” his temper. He wasn’t magically going to treat me better. And I deserved better. We all do.
So here are the “love” lessons I learned at the ripe old age of 20. Still applicable today I think…
- Lust does not equal love. I think we were mistaking hormones for love.
- A relationship should NOT negatively impact your health.
- Red flag if spending money on you puts them in a snit.
- Red flag if they blame you for things that aren’t your fault.
- And last, but not least, no relationship is worth the destruction of your self-esteem, sense of worth or health.
Would love to hear your youthful, or not so youthful, love lessons! Please comment or contact me if you’d like to write a guest blog post.
Postscript: Decades later I saw Kent’s name in a college alumni directory. He had moved back to his hometown, married and had a bunch of kids. I am glad he found what he was looking for. I did too.
Today's Women of Age 
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