Recently I caught the tail end of a podcast where a single, career woman in her 30s was lamenting to a group that she had to work to earn a living and support herself and it was not the life she wanted or had envisioned. Chelsea* waxed lyrical about her dream of being married and pregnant with a baby on one hip and another playing on the floor while she made bread. I sighed. Oh girl, you’ve fallen for a fantasy.
Dear Chelsea,
I know just what you’re imagining. You in that pretty $300 Free People prairie dress, glowing in your fifth-month of pregnancy with baby Anna quietly adoring you from her perch on your hip and toddler Jack happily playing with his cars under the kitchen table. Maybe you’ve already got soup simmering on the stove and you’re making that bread (somehow one handed!) to go with it. Sun is streaming in the kitchen window. It’s quiet and peaceful and other than flour on the table, the kitchen is spotless. And in a few hours your husband, your wonderful provider, will be home. He’ll be tired but happy to see you. Happy to see his children.
That’s it, isn’t it? A beautiful picture of domestic bliss. The problem is that out of 365 days a year you’ll get that picture-perfect day maybe a handful of times.
Here’s the reality. The soup is simmering, but the counter and sink are filled with dishes that you haven’t had a chance to do. Baby Anna is whiney and drooling because she is teething and toddler Jack is banging his cars against the legs of the table and making screeching sounds. You get the bread in the oven and take the kids into the living room where you collapse on the sofa. Your ankles are a little swollen and you’re tired. Jack keeps being loud and you find yourself yelling at him. When your husband gets home he’s doesn’t smile. Doesn’t talk. Goes to the kitchen to get a drink and yells back “Soup, again?”
The truth is whether you’re a career woman or a stay-at-home mom, life is not going to be perfect. Each path has challenges. Each will be a grind at times and bring disappointments and hurt. And each will bring joys and fulfillment too.
Right now as a single, child-less woman you have the freedom to eat when and where you want. You can go to bed when you want and no one is waking you up in the middle of the night crying and needy. You can soak in the tub for an hour. Accept a last-minute date. Spend your money how you choose. That all changes when you have children. Your life is never fully your own again. The responsibility for keeping a helpless human alive and cared for is daunting, exhausting and expensive.
My advice—don’t romanticize a life that you know nothing about. Don’t fall for the popular trad-wife content creators who present a highly edited and fictionalized, nostalgic family life. And ignore those who are preaching that a woman’s ONLY place is in the home. They do not have your best interests at heart. (I’ll save that topic for another letter.) Talk to real stay-at-home moms to understand the trade offs and the reality.
I have two wonderful daughters, but I chose to continue working four days a week throughout their childhood and I don’t regret it. It made me a happier person and a better mother. And financially it allowed us more breathing room and helped set us up for retirement.
Motherhood and working outside the home are not mutually exclusive. Something to think about.
Chelsea is a fictional name.
Today's Women of Age 
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