Today's Women of Age

For decades, possibly centuries, the burden of preparing for the holidays has always fallen squarely on women’s shoulders. I watched my mother, grandmother and aunt do all the cooking, present buying, card sending, baking, decorating, and cleaning up year after year. (Eventually my brothers and I and later the men were tasked with the clean up and washing dishes!)

And it wasn’t any different for me when I became a wife and mother. It didn’t matter that I was also working full time. If anything was going to happen I had to do it. I had to do all my mom did with the addition of having to mail boxes of presents to extended family members living across the U.S. (This basically meant I had to start buying presents in October, be done in November, and have all of them wrapped, boxed and to the post office in early December.)

Frankly it was stressful. Every year, as much as I loved Christmas, I dreaded the extra work. It was exhausting. (My husband was rarely inclined to help. Enough said on that.)

Eventually I suggested to some extended family members that we stop exchanging gifts and that helped ease the stress. And over time I cut way back on the Christmas cards I sent out. (One year I didn’t send any.) And I began to cut back on our activities. But I wish I had gotten to this place sooner.

But here we are now–semi-retired empty nesters–and I am continuing to rightsize the holidays choosing what is important and meaningful and letting other things fall by the wayside.

We still put up a real cut tree favoring a 6′ noble fir for its incredible scent and upturned branches. Once we get it in the house and secured in the water pan, I do all the decorating. I put some Christmas music, pour myself a glass of wine and take my time. Even though it takes hours it gives me pleasure.

Presents are exchanged but with just a few family members and close friends and even then we’ve talked about cutting back. The truth is we are all adults and could just buy our own stuff. Still so far we all enjoy opening gifts and it is just once a year.

I’ve downsized my Christmas decorations. I’ve never had more than a couple of boxes stored in a closet, but I realized some weren’t being used anymore. It seemed silly to keep storing them year after year. In the end, I sold off numerous ornaments and garlands.

(The cute Nepal hand-knit sock garland was one I used to drape around a mirror or on our mantel. I offered it to my daughters but they weren’t interested.)

Each year I carefully choose my holiday activities. Gone are the days when I attend every church service, concert, play and party. In fact I haven’t attended a Christmas eve service in years choosing instead to enjoy a quiet night at home.

One of my activities this year will likely be the holiday organ recital at Stanford Memorial Chapel in mid December. (Dr. Robert Huw Morgan, the university’s organist, does a stellar job both playing and educating us about the pieces.) Another activity will be my church’s Blue Christmas service–a contemplative candle-lit service for folks who are grieving.

And I’ve rightsized our menu and food preparation. I used to plan our big Christmas meal and cook all of it. And while my family was grateful, later in life I started to feel resentful doing all the work when there were three other able-bodied adults at the table enjoying the meal. And I realized I had never asked for help. I had never asked! So a few years ago I suggested we all contribute to making the meal and it’s been wonderful. Bonus, we no longer stick to traditional holiday fare. We make our favorites. (Who says you have to serve turkey, ham or roast beef?!)

I’ve also cut way back on my holiday card sending. I love getting Christmas cards, but gone are the days when I slough through a list of 30 to 40 names and dutifully send cards with individual messages. At best, I send 8 cards, if I feel like it. (I did buy some cute cards this year so I know I’ll send out a few!)

Yes, I’m at an age and stage in life when I’m choosing to do only what brings me joy or has meaning at Christmas. No more feeling obligated or guilty about not doing more. No more exhaustion!

How about you? Are your holidays rightsized??