By the time you get to our age, you’ve likely been hurt more than a few times. People have said and done things that not only left emotional bruises but sometimes deep wounds. If we’re fortunate there has been reconciliation and forgiveness or at least closure. But that’s not always the case and some of us stay in unhealthy relationships for far too long.
As women we often choose to be peacemakers. We tend to put up with bullies and unacceptable behavior rather than call it out. We may even make excuses for people and believe that somehow it’s our fault. On and on. And we keep getting bruised.
But there needs to come a time when we say “enough.” When we stop the cycle of hurt and believe in our own worth and dignity. It takes courage. Great courage.
My friend Rita* finally, finally, got to that point of “enough” with her brother. He has been emotionally abusive (belittling and condescending) towards her his whole life though outwardly he projects a successful, “pillar of the community,” church-going persona. Very few see behind the veneer. For the sake of family unity she remained in contact with him and continued to attend family events. It nearly broke her. But with the recent death of her mother, Rita decided that she will no longer be attending family gatherings and any contact with him will be kept to short, as-needed texts. Good plan!
Likewise Alicia* after years of being a good and helpful daughter to her narcissistic, controlling mother found their tenuous relationship come to a breaking point after an incident. This time Alicia asked her mother for an apology. This time Alicia wasn’t going to let it slide and put it down to “mom being mom.” The mother wouldn’t apologize and that was the final straw. Enough. Alicia cut contact. Her husband and adult children understand and support her decision. Extended family members less so. But she has stood firm for several years now and I think that has been the healthiest thing she could have done.
How do you know when enough is enough?
Obviously only you can know for certain, but here are some of the red flags:
- Being with this person frequently produces anxiety and stress.
- You typically feel disrespected by this person.
- You frequently leave their presence angry and/or upset.
- You have irreconcilable differences in values and morals.
- You are happier away from this person.
Sound familiar??
How do you move forward?
Accept reality. People rarely change. It’s not going to get better. Rita’s brother will never treat her differently. Alicia’s mother is never going to be kind and thoughtful.
Set boundaries. Decide how and if you want to continue to interact with this person on any level. In some cases going “no contact” is the best decision.
Seek counsel. Always a good idea to seek advice from people removed from the situation. But know that you may need to try several before you find a helpful therapist.
Don’t allow others to blame you for the downfall of the relationship or put the onus on you to maintain it. We see this all the time in the news. Victims get blamed. Rita was told she should be “more forgiving” of her brother though he has never been brought to task to treat her better.
Write it out. Journaling is a wonderful source of release and healing. Write and write and write some more. Be as honest and brutal as you can. Psychologist James Pennebaker suggests writing 20 minutes a day. (I can recommend his book “Writing to Heal.”)
Pray. As a woman of faith, I have found prayer helps put things in perspective and helps me realize I am not alone. Also when praying (and journaling) ideas of how to proceed often come to me.
Stand firm. Some people will not understand. There may be additional fallout. But once you’ve made your decision, stand firm.
Explore new activities and friendships. With the negative energy of this relationship in the past or at least dissipating, now is the perfect time to explore new activities and open yourself up to people who may bring you joy.
The bottom line
Life is short. Both Rita and Alicia tried to endure and stay in these familial relationships only to be hurt time and time again. I am proud of both of them for finally saying “enough” and moving on.
* Rita and Alicia are aliases.
Today's Women of Age 
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