Sheila* is a dear person with a giving nature. She’s always the one who pitches in to wash dishes or serve at holidays and functions. She buys her friends and family presents for various holidays despite the fact that it isn’t often reciprocated. She is an empathetic listener and always goes the extra mile for someone in need. But I have noticed these days that she complains more about feeling taken for granted. At times there is frustration and even anger in her voice.
Most recently it was an Easter meal with over 10 extended family members that sparked her ire. As usual, she was the one who cleared up and washed dishes afterwards. No one else helped, despite many of those present being much younger. Later when we caught up by phone, she was angry. I asked her why she did it then when she knew how she would feel afterwards. “Somebody had to do it” was her answer. Yes, somebody did, but not you. It wasn’t your house. It didn’t have to be you.
And I realized like many of us, Sheila is her own worst enemy, sometimes falling into martyrdom–“a pattern of behavior where individuals repeatedly self-sacrifice for others, often feeling victimized and depleted.” And it’s making her miserable.
The resentment comes, because your niceness also comes with expectations — that others will appreciate your martyrish efforts or will follow your lead and be like you, always putting others first, stepping up, etc. — or expecting them to realize what you need and give it to you,
Robert Taibbi L.C.S.W., Psychology Today
even though you never say what those needs are.
“The Dangers of Being Nice”
And this may be true for many of us. By always tending to the needs of others first, we can end up tired, emotionally drained and possibly even angry. It’s not a healthy way to live.
If this sounds like you it’s time to make some changes and be nice to yourself.
Be Nice to Yourself
- Learn to say no. No to events you don’t want to attend. No to volunteering when already have too much on your plate or just don’t want to. No to invitations that are inconvenient. No to people you don’t want to spend time with. No to projects that don’t interest you. Your time is precious.
- Don’t let anyone to guilt-trip or manipulate you. Folks are good at that. “It won’t be the same without you there” or “If you really loved mom, you’d help with this.”
- Set boundaries. Make it clear what you are willing to do with and stick to that. About the same time Mandy* retired, she became a grandmother and it was strongly hinted at that perhaps grandma would be willing to watch the baby while the parents worked. Mandy made it clear to her son and daughter-in-law that she would NOT be the baby’s full-time caretaker, but would help out occasionally as needed. She has stuck to that.
- Practice self-care. Make yourself a priority whatever that looks like for you.
- Share your needs and expectations with others. When my daughters were young, I undertook all the Christmas dinner cooking. But once they became adults, I realized I was getting peeved that I was “slaving away” while everyone else relaxed in the living room. Several years ago I suggested that everyone contribute a food item to the Christmas meal and that made all the difference for me and has been rather fun for the family.
- Stop worrying about what other people think about you. Nice people often worry about how others perceive them, coveting approval and hating conflict. Time to give that up.
- Seek help from a therapist. Not every therapist will be a good fit, but in general I have found getting counsel and perspectives from an experienced third party helps kick start change and new ways of thinking.
[Sheila and Mandy are pseudonyms for real people.]
Today's Women of Age 
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