Many of us blissfully go through decades of life without being affected by the death of someone close to us. But by this season of life (over 50) death of loved ones becomes more common. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, here’s what to expect…
That first death of someone you truly loved ushers you into uncharted territory emotionally, best capsulized in the words of poet and writer Dorothy Parker, “What fresh hell is this?”
Because it is hell. It’s a weird alternate reality that the day before, the hour before, the minute before, hadn’t existed. Shock envelopes you. And the world expects you to keep functioning, when that’s the last thing you even feel capable of doing.
But once you hear the news, there are people that need to be phoned, decisions to make, plans to get underway. A funeral to organize. An obituary to write. And it goes on and on from there.
The first death for me was my beloved maternal grandmother when I was 40. My Gram was a few weeks shy of 95 when she passed and despite dealing with congestive heart failure for decades, it felt like she would live forever. She was the best of people and I loved her dearly. She resided by herself in a two-bedroom apartment and only in her last year did she finally employ a gal to help with housecleaning. Even at the end she was vibrant, generous and spunky with no memory loss.
But perhaps the most crushing part after a death is that as time goes on, particularly after a year or so, folks around you assume that you are more or less done grieving. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. You’ve barely begun.
Gram’s was the first death of someone I truly loved, but it wasn’t the last. Since that time I have lost my dear mother, many aunts and uncles, one of my brothers and a close cousin. Too many gone, some prematurely.
But the first was the life changer, the eye-opener. The one that introduced the hell of death and what it would feel like each and every time.
Still I am grateful to have loved people so deeply that both their life and their passing altered my world.
Please share your first experience with the death of a loved one.
Some Grief Resources
Good Grief – a wide variety of articles and information
Grief Share – to find an in-person or online support group
Grief – many resources from David Kessler, expert on grief and loss
“After the first death, there is no other” is the last line in a poem by Dylan Thomas, “A Refusal to Mourn the Death, by Fire, of a Child in London”
Today's Women of Age 
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